LIVING INSIDE THE BOX

At my appointment with Dr. Martin Ross last week I asked him if Lyme disease was causing the ongoing Achilles tendonitis that has brought my dancing to a halt and curtailed most of my other physical activity. "Absolutely," he said, explaining that Lyme causes inflammation, which often effects tendons as much as it does joints.

So here it was again-- Lyme, my most intimate relationship, so invisible, so close, my old friend and my greatest enemy. Knowing for sure that Lyme was the cause of my latest problem shifted my perspective. It was an explanation at last for what as seemed so very strange to me. In January the pain in my heels came out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, and in the months since I have found no easy treatment for it. I've made small gains with physical therapy, but progress has been slow and frustrating. If the problem is Lyme than it is deeper than I thought, but there are also more ways to treat it.

For the past two years I have been beating Lyme with determination, patience, a bit of intelligence and (unfortunately) lots of cash. Recovering from Lyme has been the first priority in my life, not out of choice, but out of recognition that there was no other way. For the last six month, however, I'd been trapped in a real estate venture that often forced Lyme into onto the back burner. There was no way to say that the tendonitis was a direct result of that, but now was the time to redouble my efforts.

Thinking I was on familiar territory, I started the week with a plan to get the upper hand on Lyme and tendonitis:

1) Add plaquenil to my medical regime as Dr. Ross had suggested
2) Add a high dose of turmeric to my supplements, to control inflammation
3) Get a bike so I could exercise outside without having to aggravate my tendonitis by walking up hills
4) Stretch, stretch, stretch

Each day I checked an item off my list, feeling satisfied. It was all about keeping focused. On Saturday I filled my plaquenil subscription, on Sunday I made up my own capsules of organic turmeric bought at the co-op. I had fewer side effects on the plaquenil than I expected, and by Tuesday my energy was even improved, apparently thanks to the plaquenil. On Wednesay morning I walked to the neighborhood bike store for a helmet. When I mentioned I was riding again for the first time in years, I got into a conversation with the mechanic about Lyme disease and how I was recovering from it. As I joyously mounted my clunker craigslist bike on Wednesday afternoon, I thought I had it all figured out.

By Wednesday night my heels and lower calves were hurting again. It seems my brilliant solution to exercise—to ride a real bike, outside—had set me back again. Just a little, but enough to give me pause.

My legs and lungs and heart are longing for long, hard exercise, the kind that would get my blood pumping and make me feel high from the joy of motion, the kind that would have me sleeping deeply at night and leave me a little stronger, week by week. I long, in fact, for the kind of exercise I was doing in January before the tendonitis started. I have to hand it to Lyme—it is a clever adversary. Just as I was turning that corner where my body could at last get stronger of its own accord, Lyme has managed, in turn, to hobble me again.

And there is nothing to do but accept that.

On Sunday, as I packed capsules full of turmeric, I imagined writing a blog post about will power. Instead I am writing this one, about limitations. Now it seems apparent it is not the power of my will that matters, but its flexibility. It's the same game I have played for years: recognizing my limits and working within them, and finding the happiness to be had there.

For the foreseeable future I can't go dancing, or for long, hilly walks, or ride a bike outside. There are other ways to enjoy being outside, however (like writing a blog entry while sitting in the garden, for example), and other ways to enjoy being in my body. After all, two years ago I was living with much greater physical hardship than this. Once I’d remembered that and accepted that riding an exercise bike was the best thing for me for now, I enjoyed my stationary bike ride at the gym more than I had before.